Pebble in My Shoe

Since this morning/A foreboding sense that what I don't know is not good/strange bouts of status anxiety that I haven't had in maybe a year/Some sort of loud reemergence of ego/accompanied by sadness/The things that I am not a part of/That seem so much more enticing/glamorous/fun/exciting than what I am a part of/The sense that talking and writing this through will not help/Scheduled an eye exam/because my vision is/was/has always been somewhat impaired/scheduled a ladydoctor appointment/because this is what I do at years' end/booked through my calendar till early January/made a Christmas list/have been crossing things off/I am nothing/if not organized/but where has this gotten me?/People move through different thresholds/identities/relationships/pastimes/jobs/I've always carried a strange awareness/call it the thorn in my side/that all these things are really irrelevant/costumes/maps/scripts/plays/Things must change from within/before they change without/otherwise you arrive at the life you have chosen/unprepared/so I put things off/delay/not because I am lazy/or scared/although this might be what some people think/that complacency suits me in some way/but because I know there is so much work to do/from within/but this doesn't mean/that I don't look/around me/wanting to scream/because/people move at such speeds/through life/that it inspires envy/seeing them zip/in and out of lanes/a swoosh of color and light/and ultimately beauty/maybe they can get away with this/but I can't/because I have to learn these roads first/or I will crash/I'd like to think that I am the tortoise/but I must remind myself/that this isn't a race/and I'm not even sure what I believe/anymore.