Another Kind of Woman

I never understood why women all over the country went crazy over Cosmos or tried to self-identify as a "Miranda" or a "Carrie." I once wrote a paper about Sex and the City in graduate school. Something about the representation of female journalists in popular television shows over the ages. Mary Tyler Moore and Murphy Brown and Carrie Bradshaw. Blah blah blah and something about the portrayal of female journalist as social advocate. Except Carrie Bradshaw isn't really a journalist and the paper was really bullshit and allowed me to watch exhorbitant quantities of TV.

I don't really get Sex and the City. I mean, I get it, get it. but I don't think I have the aptitude to internalize that kind of life or identify with it. I am not that kind of woman. I am not a Carrie or a Miranda or a Samantha or a Charlotte. Do you ever feel like you belong in a different place, in a different time? In my head, I live someplace else. This might be why I trip a lot and injure my ankles and break toes. Most of the time, I am not really here. Except when I am meditating. I like the world of my head better than the world around me. It is easier to curate than life. People are complex but they don't have the opportunity to disappoint you because you write their scripts for them. This is not controlling. It's a response to sensory overload. To inconsistencies and disappointments. It is pretending to be normal when most of your life you've known that you're not. In my head, people are consistent and would die for things like Love and Honor. Nobody really does that anymore. Not even in movies. Nobody waits and dreams like Anouk Aimee in Lola. Or at least nobody gets rewarded for it. But in my head, people do. So something imbalanced is rectified, something broken is fixed. Even if no one sees it. Like when a sign falls over on the street and you pick it up and fix it. No one has to see it, maybe it doesn't even have to be real. Maybe some things aren't even worth living if you've already lived them perfectly in your head.