Sometimes I have to fight this particular brand of nostalgia for something I don't even know. The Portuguese call it Saudade. Nostalgia is overrated. Everyone's all over that. But when it's Portuguese, that's different.
Definition from Wikipedia:
Saudade is different from nostalgia; in nostalgia (a word that also exists in Portuguese), one has a mixed happy and sad feeling, a memory of happiness but a sadness for its impossible return and sole existence in the past. Saudade is like nostalgia but with the hope that what is being longed for might return, even if that return is unlikely or so distant in the future to be almost of no consequence to the present. One might make a strong analogy with nostalgia as a feeling one has for a loved one who has died and saudade as a feeling one has for a loved one who has disappeared or is simply currently absent. Nostalgia is located in the past and is somewhat conformist while saudade is very present, anguishing, anxious and extends into the future.
The phrases "Tenho saudades tuas" (literally, "I have 'saudade' for you") and "Eu sinto a tua falta" ("I feel your absence") would each be translated into English as "I miss you" — both "falta" and "saudade" are translated as "missing." However, these two statements carry very different sentiments in Portuguese. The first sentence is never told to anyone in person, but the second can be. For example, the first would be said to someone who has been away for some time, it would be said over the phone or written in a letter. The second would be said by someone who has divorced, or whose partner is not usually at home, and would be said personally. In the book In Portugal of 1912, A. F. G Bell writes:
The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness.[3]
A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as old ways and sayings; a lost lover who is sadly missed; a faraway place where one was raised; loved ones who have passed away; feelings and stimuli one used to have; and the faded, yet golden memories of youth. Although it relates to feelings of melancholy and fond memories of things/people/days gone by, it can be a rush of sadness coupled with a paradoxical joy derived from acceptance of fate and the hope of recovering or substituting what is lost by something that will either fill in the void or provide consolation.
Although the word is Portuguese in origin, saudade is a universal feeling related to love. It occurs when two people are in love, but apart from each other. Saudade occurs when we think of a person who we love and we are happy about having that feeling while we are thinking of that person, but he/she is out of reach, making us sad and crushing our hearts. The pain and these mixed feelings are named "saudade". It is also used to refer to the feeling of being far from people one does love, e.g., one's sister, father, grandparents, friends; it can be applied to places or pets one misses, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past. What sets saudade apart is that it can be directed to anything that is personal and moving. It can also be felt for unrequited love in that the person misses something he or she never really had, but for which might hope, regardless of the possible futility of said hope.
My biggest struggle in life is with Saudade. It's like fighting depression or something. Sometimes I wish there was a medication for this. But Americans are over-medicated and I don't think therapy is effective in resolving this. It's like a condition you live with day to day. An indulgent sort of struggle, I guess. The constant struggle with the idea that time moves forward and leaves things behind. Like you're being exiled and can only carry your most precious things in your skirt and they keep falling out and you can't stop to pick them up because you have to keep walking forward because you're in the midst of some sort of exodus and if you stop, everyone will leave you behind. More on exodus' later. I wonder if I have nightmares about this because it's a part of my genetic past. Either way, people. Saudade. The title of my narrative.
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