The malaise, the malaise, everyone has the fucking malaise. I have the malaise. I caught it yesterday and it fucking sucks. Happy people grate on my nerves, but mostly everyone's down anyway, so that makes it easier. but people with the malaise aren't really fun to be around either. I just need to not be around people. I tend to isolate myself when I catch the malaise. An IM from this morning:

T: Maybe you're just depressed.

Me: I don't think so. Maybe you're just depressed.

T: yeah, I'm pretty sure I am. But I'm not losing weight.

Me: Really? I am. I've lost four pounds in like two weeks.

T: FOUR POUNDS? That's not normal.

Me: I think I'm just writing a lot and I don't have time to eat. It's such a compulsion.

T: How Joan Didion of you.

Me: I KNOW!! I always knew there was something to it, those people who were like I'm so into my work i can't even think of eating, and I was like, fuck you people, you're so full fo shit, but they're not. it's true.

remember that study about how groups of friends even if they're across the countrey from each other gain and lose weight together. it's like contagios, but not like an airborne contagion.

T: I don't read studies. That's you.

Me: I sent it to you. Nobody remembers anything. I don't know why I bother. Anyway, I think the malaise is the same way. Groups of friends have it together. Right now my mom has it, my sister, my mom's friend. You, me, Like five other people I know.

T: I love that you call it the malaise.

Me: it's so much more descriptive than anything.

T: I was telling my therapist about you.

Me: What were you saying?

T: That you describe states of being better than anyone. I was telling him about your messy/complicated versus neat and easy personal mythology metaphor.

Me: I need to write a blog post about that.

Oddly, the only time I went to see a therapist, that one time? He told me to stop talking in metaphors. He told me I used too many metaphors and I should stop.

T: That's mean. what an a-hole.

Me: I know! it was like someone asking me to speak in Russian on command. I was like 'umm...i am sad.' wtf? i never went back.

T: I don't think you need therapy. But then I think everyone needs therapy. It wouldn't hurt you, but you kind of know what's up and what you need to figure out.

Me: I don't know. it doesn't make it easier. You still have to do the work and figure shit out and go through periods of malaise. I want to get past life regression

T: Can I hear about it if you do?

Me: of course. I am an open book.

T: Maybe you're socially bipolar.

Me: ?

T: Not like really biploar, but I always think its interesting how one minute you love people and you're social and gregarious and hostess and throwing parties and people around you genuinely feel loved and you're making canapes for them and you'll pick them up from the airport and it's all hugs and kisses and then the next minute it's like you have this disdain for humanity.

Me: ok. That was harsh. When have i said i have a disdain for humanity?

T: you don't say it, but i can see it on your face. it's like what you wrote that people are sandpaper on your soul

Me: they are sometimes. Doiesn't everyone feel that way?

T: yeah, but not to the extent that you do. You have these scary extremes.

Are you still there.

Me: no I'm just thinking. maybe. i get disappointed a lot. or not a lot. i just get disappointed badly and i don't always express it. but it's like i see really good people who do these asshole things, or not even asshole things, just doing the bare minimum or being strategic and then i feel compelled to act by their set of rules towards them. and so i do, but then they werent' my set of rules to begin with and then i just end up feeling really really bad. also, i feel really disillusioned when i feel like someone iesn't being truly auhetically emotionally generous. they're just pretending to be, in order to manipulate you.

T: that was about a specific situation.

Me: yes.

T: is it the situation i think you're talking about?

Me: yes.

T: that was a long time ago.

Me: I know. I don't know why I'm like permanently damaged by everythignthat happens. I'm like that guy who has glass bones or something.

T: I'm callin you right now.

Me: okay.